
When lack of due diligence combines with microphones, the resultant cocktail is devastating.The testing and handling of microphones in themselves are events at an event - almost sub plots of a play. Malfunctioning of mics have been occasions for silent glare, loud arguments and even fisticuffs amongst artistes and technicians. But when the tragedy of microphones struck me in Mussoorie, surprisingly it had nothing to do with testing or handling or malfunctioning of mics.
It was during my Foundation Course at Lal Bahadur Shastri National Academy of Administration, Mussourie. Three hundred and fifty odd young officers of the different civil services had assembled at Mussourie. The slew of activities in these fun filled three and a half months.
Eyes agog and cheerful talks,
Guest lectures and back benchers,
Teen patti and trekking adventures,
The afternoon halts at the post office,
The anxious waits at the Director's office,
Courting, escorting by the prim and proper
Leer and jeer by the aggressively improper,
New games of billiards and of squash,
Of village visits and the evening slosh,
The one act plays at Sardar Patel Hall,
Tea and snacks at Hari's stall.
The One Act Play was a regular event of this course. Bhaiyya selected the play "Chandragupta " penned by the celebrated writer Jayshankar Prasad as our entry.He brushed aside my previous experience in Class 5 when I had forgotten the lines in a play which had led to two teachers being summoned by the Principal, and instead, pencilled me to play the role of Chandragupta. Of course, Sanjay Pandey, who was a couple of years senior, chose himself . He would settle for nothing less than Raja Nand because it gave him the maximum time to sit on the throne. Most of the others were unwilling, a few singularly unsuitable . But the cast was cast in stone and Bhaiyya picked up the role of Chanakya for himself and started the rehearsals - mainly in my room at 14, Mahanadi after afternoon classes.
Bhaiya wrote the dialogues, directed and even sang one song ( I only remember the words 'jahan pauncha anjaan khsitij per'…) which would be repeatedly aired from the nepathya. He would pat us on the back, and in stark contrast to our pessimism, exuded confidence about winning the competition. Diction, delivery, facial expression, sword fight, the dress - he decided. He also gave a valuable tip.
' Vivek, Sanjay Sir, Rajinder, Anil, Alkesh,' he told us repeatedly in closed huddles, "there would no microphones in Sardar Patel Auditorium. We should be shouting at the top of our voices to be heard even by the backbenchers."
He even distributed cough drops after the rehearsals and begged me to me cut my smoking.

'Here a bellow, there a bellow,
Every where a bellow bellow.'
Which was fine by us because that is how we had rehearsed.
But I suddenly felt that something was amiss. Firstly, the audience in the first row started to smile in an unhelpful and funny manner - a few ladies covered their ears, and even close buddy ICP Keshari followed suit. Then a wolf whistle flew in from somewhere to signal a few more. By then I realised that even our ears were agitating.What to talk of the most soporific elements in the audience, our bellows would have even woken up a sedated python and sent the mice scurrying to their chthonic shelters if there had been any.
So without trying to make it obvious and managing not to forget my lines , I began to search for the reason. I let my eyes wander furtively, just the way one sniffs searchingly when someone breaks wind a bus. Then I saw. Suspended from the ceiling, there were at least ten microphones -in rapt attention and dutiful submission to amplify the sound of the quietest shuffle and the weakest muffle. And here we were, shouting, thinking there will be no mikes!!
So without trying to make it obvious and managing not to forget my lines , I began to search for the reason. I let my eyes wander furtively, just the way one sniffs searchingly when someone breaks wind a bus. Then I saw. Suspended from the ceiling, there were at least ten microphones -in rapt attention and dutiful submission to amplify the sound of the quietest shuffle and the weakest muffle. And here we were, shouting, thinking there will be no mikes!!
Now for the damage control. I first beckoned at Rajinder Vij, the Selukus Nikator, to lower his voice.
Not an expert at Dumb Charades, he stopped in between , arched his eyebrows , and promptly forgot his lines! More jeers. Anjali and Radha , Oindrilla and Sundari, KPP Rao and Bhaskar Mahanta left the hall. Alka, Chow, Bullu, Atul, Punnu and Poonam followed them. Catcalls flew in like bats in an abandoned garage.
Sanjay Pandey, the Raja Nand, perched on a throne and dressed in peacock colours , bellowed, " Tum chupp kyun ho Selukus?"
Selukus, thoroughly shaken up by this time, jumped to the command of the royalty and seniority, but could only pout his lips - in silent amplification and vigorous animation.
I intervened, deviated from the script, looked upwards and lifting my hands at the mics, spoke " Maharaj Nand, kripya shaant ho jaiye, dheeraj rakhiye, yeh kuchh achambhit ho gaye hain."
Raja Nand, Dhristrashtrically blind to the mics, never saw the prompt.
He hyper bellowed, " Tumhari yeh dus sahas ki tum hamei shaant rehne ko bologe?"
He hyper bellowed, " Tumhari yeh dus sahas ki tum hamei shaant rehne ko bologe?"
The first two rows , except the judges , jumped out of the hall. More catcalls followed, prompting Raja Nand to further raise his voice to drown them.
Bhaiyya made his entry singing 'Jahan Pahuncha Anjan kshitij per ' to signal the change in cast. As some others came in , I and Raja Nand went out into the Green Room . I told him that there are mics which are functioning efficiently, that the Diro was wrong about them and now we must speak softly. He took a drag from the cigarette which was being shared by four of us, wiped the Raja Rum dribble and in about three minutes we trooped inside the stage to stare at a larger number of empty seats.

So he decided to do some damage control for a change - he again raised his pitch to status quo ante to make up for the silence of the mics. But with astonsihing alacrity, even before Raja Nand had hit the pitch, the sound technician, confused by the initial low pitch of Raja Nand's second innings, reverted the volume of the mics to the loud status quo ante volume. So again it was bellows status quo ante. Bhaiya had given up, and even smiled that luminescent smile which flutters in the eyelids of lambs just before slaughter.
'Here a bellow, there a bellow,
Every where a bellow bellow.'
I conceded it was was too much to expect even my college mate Herman Prit Singh, my teen patti friend Srikant Mahiyariya and my classroom neighbours, Roll Nos. 17 and 18 Alka Thomas and Bandula Sagar, to stay back and suffer this Comedy of Unadulterated Errors. My big regret was that when I slew Raja Nand and sat on the throne, and Bhaiyya the Chanakya came to anoint me amidst bellicose bellows of Raja Chandragupta ki jai, there were no cheers except polite and unenthusiastic handclaps by the judges, about 20-30 officers and a few technicians. We did get a standing applause though- when the curtains came down and the the audience was assured we were truly done.