TROUBLE TRAVELS ON FOUR LEGS

People  tend to make up  imaginary stories of daredevilry about catching criminals. Who can forget the saw mill owner Jagdeep bragging to a bunch  of locals  in Sholay about why  he became angry with Jai and Veeru ( Mujhe iss baat ka gussa aaya ki mere ilaake mei aa kaise gaye") and about the sound thrashing he gave the duo  with his  danda  " Sataa sat, sataa sat" ? Bollywood movies are united by their love  for music, dance and dhishoom- dhishoom bashing up of twenty villains by the hero single-handedly - in an arc which could at times exceed 360 degrees. 

Within the police community, too, there are many stories of courage and valour against  local  toughs and  roughs, extortionists and and terrorists - quite a few exaggerated, but a large number of them true as well. However, what has bugged me no end is how so many cops, otherwise gutsy and courageous against the two- footed criminals , come a cropper against the four legged. Recently, during the visit of POTUS to India, the only time a finger was pointed at the security set- up when a dog managed to breach it at Raisina Hill. 

In March,1994, the police, despite having no training in catching four legged hazards, beat up and captured a  rogue jackal who was reportedly disturbing the CM's sleep. However, the Press, animal activists and opposition parties continued to raise a stink for days.The matter did not end there. At a political rally held soon after this incident, some members of the main opposition party carried a few pups in their hands and shouted " Mukhya Mantri ko kya hua, hukka hua, hukka hua" even as the frightened yelps of the poor pups completed the comic.Then they proceeded to release the nervous pups near the women's enclosure in the rally ground to derive voyeuristic pleasure from a splatter of alarmed women jumping and falling over one another in inelegantly revealing heaps. The police were blamed for not being able to prevent this stampede caused by the four -legged toddlers. 

But even worse were the dressing- downs the hapless police personnel routinely received on account of the shenanigans of cattle in a VIP  locality abutting what was then called Calcutta. A few fun-loving members  of this bovine community  would  routinely compel the convoy of the CM  to swish, slalom and screech dangerously to avoid accident. 

The Alpha Male of this pack, nicknamed Jhontuda , was an imperious bull  with a heavy hump, majestic mien and a deep dewlap. The driver of the convoy would often complain that Jhontuda  not only irreverently chewed cud but also smiled at him - the kind of a smile a butcher has when he selects one among the bleating goats before slaughter. Instructions were issued to round up Jhontuda and his band of merry cows, find out their owners and prosecute them under section 307 IPC which related to 'attempt to murder'. On a couple of occasions when the policemen were able to catch a few cows, they were unable to trace the owners who never turned up-  and smiling cattle told no tales. 

At the beginning of 2014, a few buffaloes were kidnapped by some people near Shehzadnagar in Uttar Pradesh causing much public berating by the minister-owner.  The resultant largest ever buffalo- hunt in  the history of animal heists was launched and it was rumoured that  even helicopters were used. The search was personally led by a Superintendent of Police. A  wag mentioned that searches included raids at mental asylums since police initially thought that no sane person would ever think of stealing buffaloes from the house of such a powerful politician. 

That the police were  singularly unfit  to track theft/missing of the four leggeds had come  out in the open, much earlier. In  the year 2005 ,  not a single recovery could be made by them when thirty two dogs, eight cats, ten hamsters and nine rabbits  ( amongst them Tinku, Sanya, Johnson and Pyare) went missing from the the VIP areas of Lutyens Delhi.  What got the policemen's goat was the not the lack of faith  the VIPs had  for the police's poor investigation skills, especially in matters canine,  but their marked indifference and unhelpful attitude.  When the personal staff of an MP tracked down Pyare, a chihuahua which had been officially reported as missing , they did not even bother to inform the local Tughlaq Road Police Station even as SI Mukesh Kumar, who was heading the SIT, was going about  moving heaven and hell to track it down.

But even though in the cases  revolving around the  bovine, canine,  equine, alpine or anguine  the police personnel escaped with red faces or a few bites,  in matters porcine they  once almost lost their lives. I am talking about an incident concerning the pigs kept in Bhagalpur Kotwali Thana in 1990.The story of how pigs came to stay in thana is quite entertaining. However, this may not be the place to narrate it in full. To cut a long story,  let me just mention that they were ordered to be kept against a zimmanama, as  Intestate property , by a magistrate who was cut up with police after his daughter had eloped with the  raffish brother- in -law of a police driver.

Being in charge of the thana's storeroom or malkhana where all kinds of case properties are kept, Assistant Sub- Inspector Mishraji, a Kanyakubja Brahmin who cooked his own sattvik meals, took great care  of his drove of pigs  in the police station. No, he did not feed them like Lord Emsworth his Empress of Blandings. The swines were way too dirty or taamsik for Mishraji. However,he meticulously kept a headcount of their numbers , and updated  the malkhana sherista ( register)  with entries of all new born piglets. This task kept him frightfully busy because the swines bred with a fecundity that could  have put the  friskiest of the rabbits to shame. 

But Mishraji had not reckoned  where the legendary olfactory powers of the swines could end up in. Pigs, which have been used by the French to find underground truffles, can also sniff out explosives- intact, that is why they are being preferred  over dogs  by Israeli police today to unearth explosives and drugs. Now in Bhagalpur Kotwali thana, as in hundreds of thanas all over the country, owing to poor facilities in the Forensic Laboratories, crude bombs, following their recovery after riots,  are stored in the open compound in pails of water. It so happened just at the time when Bhagalpur had witnessed communal clashes and the government had posted a young and energetic IPS Assistant Superintendent of Police,  M Vishnu Rao with his office in the Kotwali Thana premises, tragedy struck.

One morning, around 9 o'clock, when the thana had just woken up, Harmajadwa, the only white - coloured pig of the lot, prodded the contents of one of the pails with his robust snout resulting in an explosion which killed him and three other pigs. The splinters maimed the poor tea stall boy Pappua who was playfully dodging his piddle that was dribbling towards him from the wall at which he had aimed. The blast smashed the windscreen of the ASP's jeep,  bared the haunches of the driver Barrister Singh who was throwing water at the vehicle with a neem stick between his teeth. Worse, it shook the thana sentry, Nathni Singh, from his stupor who in turn did the  expected in such situations-he  fired in panic.The bullets  narrowly missed a woman residing in a house across the thana. This triggered a rattle of rumour in the city which was already on its edge.  Had it not been for the young ASP, who could mange to have his wits around him only because he remained  alive, even though momentarily shocked,   this would have escalated into a fresh bout of riots. 

Desperate situations require desperate  measures. After spending the initial hour on recovering from the shock, attending to the injured and a quick recee around at the PS to ensure all was well, the young ASP and his team returned to the thana and formed a huddle.Then, riding roughshod over Mishraji's threats and subsequent protestations, the young Vishnu took his first anti- riot measure. Not the one to be cowed down by Mishraji and court's orders, young Vishnu ordered for the release of the pigs.

" Hujoor, malkhana property hai. Court hum per mukadma kar sakti hai," Mishraji tried to intimidate him 'judicially'.

" Yahan… phata hua hai aur aapko suaar ka pada hua, " Sarju Yadav, the Bada Babu or the Officer- in- Charge spat out.

" Court se hum faria lenge," Vishnu snapped to lead from the front.

" Bada babu, koi pashu chikitsak se sab suar ka maut ka  certificate banwa kar court ko inform kar dijye," the young ASP directed , and immediately earned  respect from the members of a force which had earned no mean a reputation in manipulating records.

"Huzoor, thana ke bagal Bajrang Bali ji ka mandir hai. Kahin suaar log wahan chala gaya toh danga ho jayega," Mishraji tried one more time.

" Zinda rahenge toh danga bhi sambhal lenge," the ASP snapped again, and with that disposed off Mishraji's last arjee or prayer for  Haramjadwa's colleagues.